This morning, I woke up after a very vivid dream with a knot in the pit of my stomach. My dream was about school. And the knot in my gut felt like regret and self-doubt.
In my dream, I arrived at Kaylin and Ryan's old elementary school to volunteer in the classroom. I went to Kaylin's Kindergarten room ready to help, only to realize that I hadn't arranged with the teacher that I would aide that day. I tried to make myself useful by sweeping, then just hung out in the hall until I found something else to do. Others passed me in the hall, some were other Kindergarten teachers, some were teachers from Kaylin's old pre-school, and as friendly as I was with them way back when, I smiled, but suddenly felt awkward and out of place.
Then I realized Kaylin wasn't supposed to be in that class anymore and that I certainly wasn't supposed to be volunteering at a school where my children do not attend.
I woke up a little sad that my kids aren't going back to school in the fall.
It got me thinking: Am I regretting the decision we've made to homeschool? What made me sad is that my kids will miss out on the excitement of the first and last day of school, recess and lunch with friends, fun holiday parties, bringing cupcakes to class for their birthdays, among other big-deal-to-students school memories.
Then the realities of our reasons for homeschooling smacked me in the face and I was comforted again. Yet that knot wouldn't go away. Why...?
My still-sleepy mind drifted on to a couple of other reasons that I get knots in my stomach...like when I think about growing up in Kansas City and not giving my kids the same experiences I had or when I think about the fact that we may not add any more children to our family.
It seems all choices that are black and white, with no room for grey, make me feel a little unsettled. Not necessarily that I'm disappointed with the decision that we've made about a subject, just the thoughts of all that we're missing out on by NOT choosing to go the other direction with our decision.
I landed on the fact that the temporary knot I was feeling was not regret or self-doubt. It's just the realization that there are obvious reasons on both sides of the "pro/con" list when it comes to our decision to homeschool. We'll just need to focus on the positives as we move forward with this choice and others like it.
And just like that, I am content once again.
In my dream, I arrived at Kaylin and Ryan's old elementary school to volunteer in the classroom. I went to Kaylin's Kindergarten room ready to help, only to realize that I hadn't arranged with the teacher that I would aide that day. I tried to make myself useful by sweeping, then just hung out in the hall until I found something else to do. Others passed me in the hall, some were other Kindergarten teachers, some were teachers from Kaylin's old pre-school, and as friendly as I was with them way back when, I smiled, but suddenly felt awkward and out of place.
Then I realized Kaylin wasn't supposed to be in that class anymore and that I certainly wasn't supposed to be volunteering at a school where my children do not attend.
I woke up a little sad that my kids aren't going back to school in the fall.
It got me thinking: Am I regretting the decision we've made to homeschool? What made me sad is that my kids will miss out on the excitement of the first and last day of school, recess and lunch with friends, fun holiday parties, bringing cupcakes to class for their birthdays, among other big-deal-to-students school memories.
Then the realities of our reasons for homeschooling smacked me in the face and I was comforted again. Yet that knot wouldn't go away. Why...?
My still-sleepy mind drifted on to a couple of other reasons that I get knots in my stomach...like when I think about growing up in Kansas City and not giving my kids the same experiences I had or when I think about the fact that we may not add any more children to our family.
It seems all choices that are black and white, with no room for grey, make me feel a little unsettled. Not necessarily that I'm disappointed with the decision that we've made about a subject, just the thoughts of all that we're missing out on by NOT choosing to go the other direction with our decision.
I landed on the fact that the temporary knot I was feeling was not regret or self-doubt. It's just the realization that there are obvious reasons on both sides of the "pro/con" list when it comes to our decision to homeschool. We'll just need to focus on the positives as we move forward with this choice and others like it.
And just like that, I am content once again.
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4 comments:
KT - I think one of the most important lessons in all this can be learned from Ryan's chang this year, going from discontent to totally-on-board in a matter of days. It didn't happen because he wasn't being homeschooled vs. public schooled. It happened when his needs were being met, in new or different ways albeit, but still... For him, adding football and scouting totally filled him up, and once again he was a happy go lucky boy.
I think being mindful of ways to plug the holes, and create those almost daily energy changers that traditional schools are SO good at - those are the things that tickle the other side of the head and heart. Harder to do, but so worth it.
Yo're an AWESOME Mom, and at least in Ryan's mind (remember from Teacher Appreciation week?) - the best teacher EVER.
Hugs and blessings, and keep up the great job!
Mom
Love what your Mom added! She's right.
I also think that these (uninvited) gut checks are necessary and I am sure it won't be the last. You are able to convict yourself once again of what's really important here. Keep up the good work, friend! :)
I have experienced similar feelings, like when the girls miss their friends and when they watch High School Musical... But they inevitably ask, "Is this what High School is like?" And I am able to say unequivocally no. And I'm happy once again in the decision we made. But now, at the end of the year, I'm wondering how in the world I'll be able to do another year. That's where my feelings are.
Knots in stomachs are GOOD things! They keep us in check, keep us honest with ourselves, keep us asking questions. We're supposed to constantly be evaluating our lives, making sure that what we're doing now is still working for us, still aiming us towards our higher goals.
So take those knots and love them! Then when you're done with them, you can give them a swift kick up the backside and send them on their merry way. ;-)
xoxoxoxoxooxoxox
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